so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Randomize
