my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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