woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
