youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
