guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
that's an acceptable place to lick
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
