You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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