Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
