Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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