I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
