If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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