I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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