the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I currently don't understand fingers.
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