And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
