Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize