Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
nutella sex= disaster
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Please don't give away my fajitas
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