If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
