VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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