Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Randomize
