just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
