Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
