That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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