just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
