I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
