Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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