the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
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