I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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