You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
