He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
