I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
