a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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