what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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