having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
