Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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