Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
