nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize