I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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