even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
