I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize