this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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