So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
