whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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