I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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