I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Randomize
