We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
