my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
