This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
