i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
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