I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
