peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
