I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize