Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
