I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
