i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I think people are normalizing furries
Randomize
