So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
