you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
