just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize