Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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