I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize