glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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