it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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