worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
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